TV New Years Resolutions

Posted on December 31, 2011 by Dabney B

The Crew of Ghost Hunters

This year, we resolve to actually find real evidence of ghosts, and not just 13 hours of recorded static and blurry photos

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Kim Kardashian – Keeping up with the Kardashians

Next time I get married, I promise to wait until after all of the wedding leftovers go bad before filing for divorce.

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The Writers of Family Guy

We promise to come up with new jokes, just like that time when we…

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SNL

We promise to let Tina Fey ruin another Republican Presidential candidate’s credibility.

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Writers of The Walking Dead

We promise to have some zombies show up this time. Really. We mean it. Seriously.

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Bart Simpson

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The Parents on Toddlers and Tiaras

We promise to continue living out our fantasies vicariously through our miserable and overly sexualized children.

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Ten TV Party Animals We Want to Hang With on New Years Eve

Posted on December 30, 2011 by Kris M.

Image Source: TVtropes.org

Break out the party hats and pop the champagne—New Years Eve is almost upon us. If you find yourself without plans on the biggest party night of the year, then spend some quality time at home with these TV party animals.

10. Stefon – Saturday Night Live

Image Source: Collider.com

We want to hang with Weekend Update correspondent Stefon because he knows all the best clubs to go to on New Years Eve. Hopefully we can get in past the bouncer– a bulldog that looks like Wilford Brimley

9. Homer Simpson – The Simpons

Image Source: SimpsonCrazy.com

Homer has that combination of likeability and dumb luck that makes him a good candidate for New Years Eve. Not only can he hold his liquor, but his drinking usually leads to crazy adventures, which would prevent us from having a dull night.

8. Chelsea Handler – Chelsea Lately

Image Source: borderlineamazingcomedy.com

When TV comedienne Chelsea Handler wrote a memoir of her life, she titled it “Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea.” She’s always ready to have a good time and her spitfire wit would keep us in stitches all night.

7. Bender – Futurama

Image Source: Sharetv.org

Bender is an alcohol-fueled robot that loves to have a good time– in abundance. Without having to worry about pesky human flaws, like hangovers and brain damage, Bender can party from this New Years Eve all the way through 2012.

6. Cast of Jersey Shore – Jersey Shore

Image Source: NY Daily News

Sure they’re obnoxious, crass train wrecks that look like Oompa Loompas—but they also know how to throw a good party. You wouldn’t have to worry about embarrassing yourself either, not with The Situation, Snooki and Pauly D around to be the center of attention.

5. Charlie Harper – Two and a Half Men

Image Source: National Post Arts

Charlie was a ladies man that never turned down a good party—much like his real life alter-ego, Charlie Sheen. Charlie may have been unceremoniously killed off, but before he died he would have been the perfect New Years Eve wingman.

4. Cast of Entourage – Entourage

Image Source: Gearlive.com

Partying with the boys from Entourage would mean that we’d get to meet all sorts of different celebrities—and possibly get into a fist fight with them. For all the drama (and Johnny Drama) we’d have to put up with, it’d still be worth it to get the Hollywood treatment.

3. Tom Haverford – Parks and Recreation

Image Source: Hulu.com

Craps tables, bounce houses, Bengal tigers—these are just a few of the things that Tom Haverford can bring to your party. Nothing is too decadent for Tom, who’s personal motto is “treat yo self.”

2. Tracy Jordan – 30 Rock

Image Source: Mamapop.com

Tracy has thrown parties on stolen yachts, regularly attends after-after-after parties and once turned Kenneth’s corny get-together into a raging nightmarish party. In the world of “30 Rock,” Tracy is an actor that built his career on his ability to create a party where there previously was none.

1. Barney Stinson – How I Met Your Mother

Image Source: LA Times

Barney is the man with the plan—for a perfect New Years party that is. Some people love to party, but Barney lives to party and his passion is your gain. Do you want your New Years to be memorable, or do you want it to be legen—wait for it—dary!

2011′s Hottest Hosts

Posted on December 30, 2011 by Emilie D.

image: 605magazine.com

With 2011 winding down, we look back on some of our favorite programs and wonder what it was that made them our favorites. Was it the endless drama? Was it the witty dialogue? Or was it simply a case of, “Man that host is a hottie!”

Let’s take a brief look at a small sampling of the hottest hosts of the year as we hope to see them again next year:

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Jill Wagner helped to host ABC’s “Wipeout” which showcased Americans who were gluttons for punishment and embarrassment on national television as they attempted nearly impossible to defeat obstacle courses. She has been lovely to look at and laughed at others mishaps right along with us.

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Nick Lachey may have sometimes seemed uncertain on television as he hosted this year’s “Sing Off” singing competition (yes, another singing competition). What didn’t bother us, however, was how good he looked in a suit.

Meredith Viera on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire

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Meredith Viera and her sparkling eyes and pearly white smile lit up the set of reruns of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”. She was kind to the contestants which is always attractive and definitely easier on the eyes than Regis Phillbin.

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If dark haired and dimpled is more your style, Mario Lopez was sure to please as a host on the entertainment news show, “Extra”. His days of dazzling with that smile began back on “Saved By the Bell” days, but things haven’t changed much since then except that he’s ditched the curly mullet, thankfully!

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Julie Chen had a couple of hosting gigs under her belt including “Big Brother” and “The Talk” in 2011. She’s put in her fair share of appearances over the years, but she’s never looked better.

Obviously there are many other hosts who made it that much easier to tune in week to week. Who else deserves a spot on the Hottest Hosts of 2011?

TLC’s “Toddlers and Tiaras” Shows No Sign of Slowing

Posted on December 30, 2011 by Emilie D.

Image: tlc.com

Since it first aired in 2009, TLC’s “Toddlers & Tiaras” has been one of the most controversial and most watched programs not only on the network itself but amongst shows on all networks. There have been countless parodies on the show and it’s outlandish procedures of taking fresh-faced young girls and their delights in playing dress up and taking it to an unbelievable level. To hope to stand any chance amongst competitors, the youngest of girls and boys alike must consider spray tanning, wigs, heels, caked on make-up and excruciating talent routines to showcase on stages in Beauty Pageants across America.

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Despite the controversy, TLC is showing no sign of sacking a show which has brought in ratings that can’t be topped. Mothers across America have been angered seeing other mothers dress up their young toddlers with false eyelashes and false nails and pressure them into spending hours a day on learning perfect dance routines at the hope of another sash or crown. In 2011 there was particular outrage over a mother who took the talent portion of competitions too far by dressing her daughter up as Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman”.

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Another mother dressed her young girl up as Madonna from the early days complete with a gold coned bra which outraged many Americans as well as they delved into issues such as the sexualization of children.

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While many have argued that causing such young children to dress and act this way robs them of their childhood, many parents involved in such pageants suggest that the activity is no different from typical sports as hobbies and other competitive endeavors and that participating in these pageants improves their children’s self esteem.

With 2011 seeming like the year of the youthful beauty pageant, TLC has already begun the lineup for a fresh season of “Toddlers & Tiaras” Season 4 beginning right away in January. Viewers can follow contestants as they compete in the “Precious Moments Pageant 2011″ and in the “Lollipops and Gumdrops Pageant” which surely include plenty of sashes and gowns full of glitz. Episodes air on Wednesdays on TLC at 10/9c.

Top 10 Most Unexpected TV Character Deaths of 2011

Posted on December 30, 2011 by Kris M.

Image Source: Fanpop.com

(WARNING: Contains potential spoilers)

Yesterday we paid tribute to television actors who passed away in 2011, but they’re not the only familiar faces we’ll no longer see on TV next year. We watched some of our favorite TV characters die in 2011— many of them when we were least expecting it.

10. Charlie Harper – Two and a Half Men

It wasn’t much of a surprise when CBS decided to kill off Charlie Sheen’s character on “Two and a Half Men” after his massive falling out with the network. What was shocking, however, was the gruesome way they killed off Charlie Harper—by hitting him with a train (that presumably ran on tiger blood.)

9. Li’l Sebastian – Parks and Recreation

Image Source: Lilsebastian.com

This enchanting equine may have been small, but his death left a big impact on the town of Pawnee, Indiana. The loss of Li’l Sebastian did, however, give Andy’s band Mouserat its biggest single yet with “5,000 Candles in the Wind.”

8. Sophia Peletier – The Walking Dead

Image Source: TV.com

When little Sophia disappeared in the woods earlier this year, we were sure she was zombie bait from the start. But it was still shocking to see her come out of Herschel’s barn and watch Rick have to put her down with a shot to the head.

7. Jesus Velasquez – True Blood

Image Source: Boston Herald

Lafayette’s Brujo boyfriend Jesus taught him how to awaken his magical powers—although it would have probably been better for Jesus had he not. While Lafayette was possessed by the spirit of Marnie he killed Jesus to gain his Brujo powers.

6. Ben Harmon – American Horror Story

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When a show openly admits to being a horror story, you shouldn’t become attached to any of the characters—and yet, Ben’s death in the final episode still came as a surprise. After his family talked him out of suicide, we thought he’d start a new life with the baby. Unfortunately the ghosts got to him before he could escape.

5. Bill Henrickson – Big Love

Image Source: About.com

After such a tumultuous final season, we were not expecting Bill to bite the big one in the last episode. Bill was shot in the chest over a petty lawn dispute with his neighbor and his death brought about the death of the show itself.

4. Gustavo Fring – Breaking Bad

Image Source: Ugo.com

When drug lord Gustavo Fring crossed the line with Walter White, it was certain that one could not live while the other survived. Gus came to an explosive end when Hector Salamanca turned suicide bomber.

3. Mags Bennett – Justified

Image Source: Screened.com

We were completely expecting Mags to poison Raylan at the end of season two, so when she took a swig of her own poisoned moonshine we were stunned. We knew their cat-and-mouse game would eventually have to end, we just never expected Mags to do herself in.

2. Jimmy Darmody – Boardwalk Empire

Image Source: Edna.cz

Nucky and Jimmy started out the series as partners, with Jimmy playing the role of the number two. When Jimmy wanted more than what was given to him, Nucky put him in his place with two shots to the face.

1. Eddard “Ned” Stark – Game of Thrones

Image Source: Guardian.co.uk

Although fans of the book series already knew it was coming, the rest of us were shocked when main character Ned Stark was beheaded by King Goffery, the son of his best friend. This unexpected death made it clear that no character is safe—not even the series lead.

4 More TV Jerkwads

Posted on December 30, 2011 by Dabney B

I covered a handful of TV jerks yesterday, but one mere article doesn’t have nearly enough pixelated real estate to capture the full force of the various toolbags out there. So, today, we’re widening the scope and looking into a few more jerks-of-all-trades who might just be worthy of the title “TV’s Jerkiest Jerk.”

Bender – Futurama

It’s hard to judge the jerkiness of a nonhuman. I mean, jerkiness, as well as other emotions, are judged on a human scale. Is a shark a jerk when it eats a seal, or it just being a normal ol’ shark?Who can say if sharks aren’t more moral than people are? It’s not like they keep slaves or rob banks.

While it might seem that those same difficulties also apply to humans, that’s not exactly true. Robots were designed by humans, so they are subject to the same jerkiness principles. Maybe Bender’s morality chip never got installed, but he’s one of the biggest douchebags you’ll ever meet.

Redeeming Factor: He can turn pipe cleaners into coat hangers.

Profanity: 7/10
Rudeness: 6/10
Backstabbingness: 9/10

Overall Jerkometer: B-

Master Shake – Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Master Shake runs into a few of the same moral problems as Bender. He’s not human, so who’s to say that this type of behavior isn’t normal among the shake species?

Nonetheless, it’s probably safe to say that Master Shake’s behavior comes close to violating the universal code of conduct. Telling your supposed friend to do something that will in all probably get him killed goes pretty far into jerk territory. Master Shake might actually be the dominant a-hole of the century if not for the fact that everyone else in the show is similarly insane. The Mooninites are right on his heels, and just about every other character is murderous, delusional, or selfish beyond reason. It’s hard to shine with all of that competition.

Redeeming Factor: Comes in delicious flavors, including vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.

Profanity: 4/10
Rudeness: 9/10
Backstabbingness: 10/10

Overall Jerkometer: A

Archie Bunker – All in the Family

Women are nothing but baby makers who belong in the kitchen. HA – HA – HA. Puerto Ricans and African Americans are second rate citizens. HAR – HAR – HAR. Gay men are just guys too pathetic to get women. HA – No, wait. That’s not funny, and I’m not sure that it ever was, even back in the 70s when writers could get away with lines like this.

Redeeming Factor: People like Archie Bunker aren’t on TV anymore. They just run for the presidency, instead.

Profanity: 3/10
Rudeness: 10/10
Backstabbingness: 2/10

Overall Jerkometer: C

Eric Cartman – South Park

Another animated antihero, Cartman gives Bender a run for his money. What he lacks in hardware, he more than makes up for in vindictive cruelty and concentrated evil. Plus, we’ve got to consider that Cartman’s still in grade school, so he’s got decades to hone his craft. Who else has started at such a young age?

Because Cartman scores high in all categories, and because he has the greatest potential to develop the jerk trade into a flourishing jerkopoly, Cartman is currently holds the record for TV’s biggest jerk.

Redeeming Factor: Because he’s a kid, that makes him sort of cute, I guess?

Profanity: 10/10
Rudeness: 10/10
Backstabbingness: 10/10

Overall Jerkometer: A+

Does the Return of “Portlandia” Mean Anything To You?

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Emilie D.

image: pastemagazine.com

Well it should! “Portlandia” has proven to be a treasured find hidden amongst a slew of predictable progams, and as such, has originally only been viewable on the IFC network. As co-creator Fred Armisen (who is also known for his work on SNL) sings during the opening scene in episode one, “The dream of the 90′s is alive in Portland” he marvels at a city that seems to stand still during a decade when, “…people were content to be unambitious, sleep til 11, and just hang out with friends…no occupations whatsoever, maybe working a couple hours a week at a coffee shop…”

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For anyone who has personally experienced the 90′s, Portland, or particularly both, this satire rings true to many as Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein portray a host of colorful characters. Among such characters include ultra feminist bookstore owners who sell books on the plight of womanhood along with stickers stating, “In Goddess We Trust”, overly entitled bicycle carriers who are eager to remind you of their bike rights, and animal rights enthusiasts who defend the rights of dogs while absent mindedly keeping their own baby on a leash, all in a city where everyone is an aspiring musician at heart. The mayor himself is the cool, chill type, who tucks his business-casual shirt into a pair of smart looking jeans and sits on a yoga ball in his office. Bird decals abound and all the hot girls wear glasses, favorite bars include a gang of chin-beard wearers and homes aligned with proper feng-shui implementation is of utmost importance.

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It seems as though Portland itself has endorsed the show with pride and even those who don’t have a personal acquaintance with the city are looking forward to January 2012 when the show will return to the IFC network. Guest stars in the past have included Sarah McLachlan, Selma Blair, Heather Graham and Steve Buscemi to name a few. “Portlandia” has cult-classic written all over it with endless quotable one-liners and characters formed after the most astute observations of the culture and people of Portland. Watching it brings many laughs and surprise that there are so many genuinely funny and spot-on observations of the city of the Northwest. Season 2 is soon to begin and hopefully “Portlandia” will not go the way of the ever-missed “Arrested Development” which came to full appreciation too late in the game to keep it around. So watch it while you can and treasure it like those who know.

4 of TV’s Biggest Jerks

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Dabney B

Image: TVloop

TV seems to be a breeding ground for jerks, and for good reason. Jerks make for excellent television. They are natural lightning rods for drama, and resolve issues in the most inappropriate fashion imaginable. Today, we’re starting a TV jerk competition to determine TV’s biggest jerk. We still have no idea what we’re calling the competition. It’s hard to call it something like “Jerkathon” without it sounding obscene.

Gordon Ramsay – Kitchen Nightmares, Hell’s Kitchen, etc

Not everybody can be a head chef. It’s a fast-paced high stress environment where the quality of your work is immediately judged. It’s definitely the type of job that’s best suited for Type A personalities. Naturally, we can expect a lot of cooks to be rather intense.

Gordon Ramsay takes that stereotype and runs with it. Not only is he probably the most intense, direct, and abrasive individuals in the world of cooking, but he gives the jerks of most other networks a run for their money.

His jerkiness has a bit of a weakness, though. He really doesn’t seem that bad as long as you avoid making mistakes in the kitchen. If you make the grievous error of serving up a rare steak when it should have been medium rare, then may God have mercy on you, because Gordon Ramsay sure won’t.

Redeeming Factor: Delicious fish n’ chips.

Profanity: 10/10
Rudeness: 8/10
Backstabbingness: 0/10

Overall Jerkometer: B

Gregory House – House M.D.

It’s not easy being a genius. Everybody is dumb and proves it to you on a daily basis by doing stupid things, like eating earth worms. Did you know that earth worms carry 800 different kinds of deadly viruses and can spread over 70,000 different species of parasites? Dr. House knew that, and he expects 4-year-olds everywhere to know that, too.

Ultimately selfish and unsympathetic, House will do whatever he can to prove himself right, even he makes other people miserable in the process. The closer you get to him, the more he burns you.

Redeeming Factor: He can fix your back pain, but only after mocking you for 8 hours.

Profanity: 2/10
Rudeness: 9/10
Backstabbingness: 9/10

Overall Jerkometer: A

Sheldon Cooper – The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon isn’t really big on being a jerk for the sake of being a jerk. He’s sort of a jerk as a byproduct of his philosophy. The path of logic does not allow for trifling things like emotion and feelings, so a true smartass like Sheldon can occasionally trample over a person’s good will without even meaning to do it. He’s more quirky than jerky, but his weirdness makes it difficult to connect with him.

As long as you approach things logically and don’t put yourself out on a limb emotionally, you won’t be scarred too terribly.

Redeeming Factor: He can tell you the approximate astronomical between the Earth and the moon.

Profanity: 1/10
Rudeness: 7/10
Backstabbingness: 4/10

Overall Jerkometer: C+

Simon Cowell – America’s Got Talent, The X-Factor, etc

Other TV jerks have to tip their hats to Simon Cowell, who was in many ways the front runner for modern television jerkiness. Simon’s brand of cruelty can be summed up in one simple phrase: The truth hurts. He’s not so interested in making you twist in emotional agony; he just wants to make sure that you understand how terribly bad of a singer you are.

Redeeming Factor: He will honestly tell you if those pants make you look fat.

Profanity: 2/10
Rudeness: 10/10
Backstabbingness: 0/10

Overall Jerkometer: A-

Would You Want Your Grandma on “The Bachelor”?

Posted on December 28, 2011 by Emilie D

It’s time again for another riveting season of ABC’s ever popular seasonal favorite, “The Bachelor” Season 16. Another second-choice, formerly heartbroken bachelor will try his hand again at true love and aim to pick from a bunch of beautiful and talented women who are eager to find love and companionship on television while the rest of us enjoy the journey full of tears and trauma.

Each season brings a new cast and the hope that maybe, just maybe, this time it will all work out and the fairy tale will come true. Typically the bachelor is blessed to go on dates with over a dozen women who are by no means lacking in the looks department and who are often pretty successful in their careers and their personal lives save for an absence in the relationship department. Scores of women apply to be cast on the show despite the poor track record of any lasting relationship once the season ends. This year’s airing of “The Bachelor” will be no different with last season’s second runner up on “The Bachelorette”, Benjamin Flajnik as he attempts to find the girl of his dreams.

With each new season the producers make a new attempt at drama and intentionally cast particularly interesting or questionable hopefuls for added intrigue. This season it looks as though an older and more mature woman will be joining the group of 20-30-something ladies. Her name is Sheryl and she seeks Ben’s heart, or so it would seem. So far we don’t know a lot about Sheryl and her role in the new season. Her age and her story are a mystery at this point which will surely encourage more curiosity in this season. What can she bring to the table that the other ladies can’t? Will we see sparks fly? Will Ben be enamored by her seasoned view on life and her maturity? Do you endorse this decision to watch an older woman duke it out with the rest and do you think she stands a good chance? And most importantly, if she was your mother or grandmother, would you stand behind her decision to join “The Bachelor” in her quest for a lifetime of love?

Blue Collar Boom on the History Channel

Posted on December 28, 2011 by Emilie D

Next time you visit The History Channel, you’re sure to notice an intriguing new trend. The History Channel is delving into the lives of the blue collar America and allowing us a peek into the dangerous, gritty, hard labor jobs of those who lead a a do-or-die career outside the walls of a cubicle. Though many Americans are currently frustrated with the job market and feel upset by the lack of career opportunities that match our hopes and qualifications, we realize we do not have to risk our lives in the Louisiana swamp lands hunting gators to feed our families such as those on “Swamp People” who call the bayou home.

The characters featured on “Swamp People” work as hunters and trappers on Louisiana’s largest swamp and enjoy a historic Cajun culture. The show follows their endeavors during hunting season, but most of those involved on the show have off season jobs which are equally physically demanding such as repairing large boats and driving large 18-wheelers. Watching a man in overalls wrestle and rolling gator as he shouts obscenities through out the swamp couldn’t be more entertaining.

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From the comfort of our living room we admire the brave women of “Ice Road Truckers” who skillfully maneuver trucks weighing tons through slippery terrain and winding roads. “Ice Road Truckers” shows how extreme weather conditions and heavy loads can endanger the lives of of each driver on nearly a daily basis. It’s nothing short of amazing to watch these women and men drive in conditions so dangerous and threatening.

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The fishers on “Big Shrimpin’” nicknamed, “Bullfrog”, “Roundhead” and “Redbone” are boat captains who aim to make the most of shrimp season as they sail upon rough waters amongst tumultuous weather conditions to bring home large loads of shrimp to sell for a big price. Stakes are high with the pressure to reel in the pounds before the season ends.

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The rise in popularity of such shows indicates an increased interest in lives and professions that most of us can’t relate to. Dealing with gators, stormy seas, and ice ridden roads for a living are not typical trails for the everyday American. The characters on the shows are colorful as well with accents and slang not heard on a typical day.