Viewer Profile: The Junk Hunter

Posted on February 7, 2012 by Dabney B.

My mother’s side of the family is what you’d call “country.” The older the generation, the more incomprehensible their accent becomes and the more avidly they talk about God and country.

I don’t really know if this is true for the rest of the South, but everyone on my mom’s side of the family loves to go on yard sales. It’s like a Saturday tradition: they head out at something like 6 AM and rummage through strangers’ musty attic boxes in search of some trinket so that they can haggle the price from 50 cents down to a nickle.

Image: Highlandparkcc

Personally, I’ve never really seen the appeal. In fact, so many members of my family have such a love of this kind of shopping that I have developed an almost allergic reaction to it. I delight in not purchasing things, resisting sales, and hoarding all of my money like a dragon sitting on a huge pile of gold.

While you’ll never catch me trying to buy a pile of 20 DVD at .05 cents a piece at a yard sale, I will admit that I understand why my family gets so riled up over yard sales. TV has shown me the wondrous excitement of junk hunting by proving to me (much to my chagrin) that I am a junk hunter viewer.

How is junk hunting different from shopping? Well, they both involve an exchange of money for goods, that much is true, but the similarities end there. The real appeal to junk hunting is that you can find a hidden treasure, some lost artifact shrouded in mystery and steeped in history at the bottom of some crate. It’s like being a backyard archaeologist, rummaging through human history to find the vestiges of a long-forgotten era.

More than likely, what you’ll find is junk, junk, and more junk, but there’s always the chance of stumbling upon a diamond in the rough. TV is more than willing to cater to this unique hobby of junk hunting with a whole host of shows that brilliantly interweave history, exploration, and capitalism.

Pawn Stars

Image: The Voice of TV

Watch the eternally sleepy Old Man, the shrewd Rick, and the adorably dumb Chumlee haggle down prices of literal historic artifacts. The shop’s got Super Bowl rings, an honest-to-god moon landing flag, and the No. 1 issue of Playboy featuring the incredibly sexy Marilyn Monroe. And the best part? You can buy anything you see on the show by visiting their site.

Auction Hunters, Storage Wars

Image: Hulu

These junk hunters bid on the face value of storage units, which are enormous mounds of junk about as enticing as the presents beneath a Christmas Tree. I’ve seen people crack into safes, find guns worth thousands of dollars, and entire cars in these storage units.

American Pickers

Image: Orlando Sentinel

These guys are basically aggressive yard sale enthusiasts who move from house to house, asking strangers if they can buy the junk in their yard. Perhaps the least glorified of the junk hunting shows, American Pickers buy rusty old cans for mere dollars, polish them up, and sell them for $50 a pop, but every once in a while they’ll get a real treasure.

Hoarders

Image: Esquire

Hoarders shows junk hunters who have given into the dark side and let their hobby become an obsession. While the show may focus more on the struggle with the disease than the actual junk, it’s hard to pull your eyes away from the mind-blowing piles of stuff. Part of you is repulsed by the filthiness of these hoarders’ houses, and the other part of you can’t help but wonder how much all of that junk is worth.

The Big Bang Theory: A Scientific Study

Posted on February 6, 2012 by Dabney B.

I can’t say I’m the world’s biggest fan of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a bit surprising considering that I’m Infinity Dish’s resident nerd writer, but there are a few things about it that just bug me. The laugh track is annoying and a lot of the jokes fall flat, even if I do get a joke’s obscure Marvel reference or when Amy and Sheldon talk about Meme theory.

Last night, as my girlfriend was watching an episode, I think I put my finger on the show’s main flaw. You see, they set up this kind of nerd spectrum wherein each of the main male characters is at a different level of geekiness.

Let’s take a walk towards the most concentrated form of nerdiness known to man, Sheldon Cooper, by breaking down what puts these characters on such an uneven playing field.

Image: Big Bang Theory Wiki, Fanpop, Wikipedia

Leonard

Leonard dresses well. His glasses are nerdy, but actually quite trendy thanks to hipsters’ ironic fashion sense. He talks about Frodo Baggins and Darth Vader, but he still gets the ladies — and hot ones, at that. He’s nerdy in his interests, but not at all in his social standing and attitudes.

Image: The Big Bang Theory Wiki

Howard

Howard dresses terribly, lives with his mother… and has a smoking hot girlfriend. Howard’s definitely one step higher on the nerd spectrum due to his goofy his appearance and his awkward living situation, but he’s still cool enough to get some action.

Image: SFSignal

Raj

Raj would like to date, but he’s so terrified of girls that he can’t even speak to them. As the only non-white guy, he’s kind of in the position of being a slight outcast from the rest of his friends — not because his friends don’t accept him, but because his India-ness is a constant source of self-deprecating humor.

Image: Popwatch

Sheldon

More like a logic-adoring Vulcan than a person, Sheldon eschews human contact, hates emotion, and has zero sex drive whatsoever. He’s more like a parody of a dork than what a dork would actually be like.

Image: The Big Bang Theory Wiki

As you can tell, the writers established a scale of geekiness that you can easily see just through their interaction. The writers enforce that scale by rewarding the least nerdy nerds with hot women, while the most nerdy nerds are still virginal and clueless.

At that point, it kind of feels like the show is no longer about a group of nerds, and is instead a show about 2 cool, trendy guys and their 2 awkward buddies, kinda like a much more modern The Odd Couple.

Image: LA Times Blog

The writers completely rely on the geekiness or the characters’ relative lack of social skills for almost all of their jokes. I couldn’t help but notice that Sheldon got more laughs than anybody else, and that his OCD geekiness tended to dominate the screen. I realize, of course, that actor Jim Parsons has won an Emmy and a Golden Globe for his role as Sheldon, so the actor is hard to ignore, but Sheldon getting all of the jokes is more a product of the writing and directing than the acting.

Image: MSNBC

So, Sheldon’s scientific approach to life encouraged me to perform a little experiment. While watching the episode “The Herb Garden Germination,” I counted how many times each character provoked the laugh track, and these were my results:

Sheldon: 52
Raj: 25
Leonard: 21
Howard: 3

Amy: 17
Penny: 7
Priya: 4
Bernadette: 0

Miscellaneous Characters: 7

That’s 136 laugh-track-inspiring jokes in all, with Sheldon comprising a staggering 38% of the show’s jokes, more than twice as much as any other character.

The writers are relying much too heavily on their golden goose to carry them through every show. I mean, I like Sheldon. He’s a quirky character who is somehow endearing, yet hard to get to know. But the same goes for Chandler from Friends, and Chandler usually provided about, say, 1/6th of the show’s humor, an appropriate number considering that the show was about 6 friends.

So, The Big Bang Theory writers, do you think you could even out the jokes just a little bit more?

Choosing the Right TV for You

Posted on February 3, 2012 by Dabney B.

My girlfriend and I just nabbed a brand-spanking new 47 inch LCD TV screen. It took us a while to finally pick our favorite, but not before talking to every sales representative in the store and comparing prices for hours.

So, to save you folks the headache when you go out to grab your next TV, I’m going to create a handy-dandy guide to 2012’s latest and greatest TV technology.

Plasma

Yes, plasma is the form of matter that you find roiling in the sun. It’s also a common type of sci-fi laser gun and a component of blood. So is “plasma” just a meaningless term that we apply to anything that we want to sound cool?

Image: Wikipedia

Plasma TVs actually have that name because they utilize electrically charged ionized gases, as well as other materials you’re likely to find in the Death Star, to create the picture.

Plasma TVs give you the most bang for your buck with their superior picture quality, but as you might expect they’ve got a few advantages and disadvantages.

Pros

Shaper Contrast: Plasma can pull off darker blacks and brighter whites, allowing crisper images that can show the full spectrum of brightness.
Viewing Angle: You ever look at a digital screen from a sharp angle and see that it just all goes kind of fuzzy and grey? Plasma doesn’t suffer from that problem due to the magic of ionized gases.
Motion Blur: Plasma TVs don’t really suffer from motion blur, which is a blurring effect on an image that occurs when an object is moving extremely quickly.
Home Theaters: The dark screens are ideal for darker lighting conditions.

Image: ENgadget

Cons

Screen Door Effect: You can sometimes see tiny little lines spread out across your screen when most of the screen shows certain colors.
TV in the Alps: Plasma screens can bug out at high altitudes.

Image: Hardware Analysis

LCD

LCD stands for Liquid Crystal Display. How something can be both a crystal and liquid is anybody’s guess. I think they just named it that to make it sounds cooler than INP (It’s Not Plasma). There’s also a sub-category of LCD screens known as LED (light emitting diode), which is a bit newer technology and is a tad better than its LCD predecessor.

Pros

Paper-Thin: LCD screens with LED technology can be extremely thin.
Bright Screen: LED screens are much brighter than plasmas, which means they’re much easier to view in bright lighting or during the daytime.
Electricity Bills: Certain LCD TVs can use very little energy, which can save you tens of dollars per year in utility bills.
Give it to your Grand Kids: LED TVs have the longest shelf life of any next generation television.

Image: Preher-Tech

Cons

Slightly sub-par picture quality.
Slightly susceptible to motion blur

Image: Smashing Hub

So, considering all of these factors, which TV is right for you? To be honest, there really isn’t a magic answer that fits everyone. Generally speaking, though, the bigger you go, the more appealing Plasma looks. For smaller TVs, you’re probably better off going with an LED option to make it super light and thin.

Past that, the only other condition that you should really factor in is lighting. If you do most of your viewing at day, then go for an LCD. If you’re often up at midnight flipping through the channels, then maybe you should go with a Plasma.

5 Best Super Bowl Commercials of All Time

Posted on February 2, 2012 by Dabney B.

After reading the Super Bowl Commercial Fan Viewer Profile, it seems like it’d be criminal not to countdown some of the most famous Super Bowl ads of all time.

I know it’s ridiculous to hype commercials so much. After all, most of us hate commercials. And for me, I hate the idea of supporting huge corporations by chattering about something that that’s intended solely to get me to buy stuff. It makes me feel like a corporate slave, or a sheeple (sheeperson?), or any of those other derogatory terms that applies to people who blindly buy into brand loyalty. I mean, I don’t even like to eat at restaurant chains because I’d rather spend my money at local businesses.

As much as the very idea of offends my morals, that doesn’t change the fact that most of these commercials are too entertaining to hate. It’s like laughing at a really offensive comedian. I know I should hate them, but it’s just too funny. So, try to enjoy the clever thinking behind these commercials, but do try to remember that they are what they are: advertisements.

5. Budweiser — Waaasssaaaaap, 2000

This rather innocent commercials starts off slowly and quickly takes a turn into “wtf” territory as the audience is gradually exposed to this group’s ludicrous (and annoying) inside joke. Their nasal screaming was so infections (the way that HIV is infectious) that for months after it aired I’d hear people on the street mimicking the commercial’s greeting.

4. Volkswagen — Darth Vader, 2011

The music is ominous and foreboding. The kid is cute and adorable. It’s a great contrast that immediately draws you into the commercial. This is one of those rare commercials where the creators managed to create an amusing and effective message without speaking a single word.

3. Google — Parisian Love, 2010

What’s so striking about this commercial isn’t that it’s an endearing love story, it’s that it hits so close to home that it’s hard not to relate to this unseen computer user. Just about everyone of has asked Google, “How to impress others on your first day at work,” or “What type of car is right for me?” Inevitably, these searches become much more specific and personal turning into, “How to flirt in the work place,” and “How to become a professional race car driver.” After watching this commercial, though, I have a new question for the Google searchbox: “Why on earth would Google ever need to advertise a product that everybody already uses, anyway?”

2. Budweiser — Support Our Troops, 2003

This heartwarming commercial was so touching that I actually saw a few people get choked up when they saw it. Like the Vader commercial, they somehow managed to invoke feelings of pride, camaraderie, and community without any dialogue. I might have put this feel-good ad at the number 1 slot, except for a tiny little problem. What does supporting our troops have to do with Budweiser?

1. Macintosh — 1984

Screw you, conformity! This amazingly effective ad was raging against the machine (the PC, specifically), showing brain-washed consumers that there was another option for computers. While the commercial was actually rather haunting, disturbing, and artistic, we can’t help but look back on this famous commercial with a slight sense of amusement. Does anybody else find it ironic that the people who made this would eventually turn into the most popular electronics distributor, with iPhones, iPads, and Macs becoming the next favorite gadget?

Honorable Mention: Budweiser Frogs, 1995

I would have liked to put this one on the list, but Budweiser already has 2 other commercials in the top 5. Jeez — how much dough does Budweiser throw at the Super Bowl each year?

Why Toddlers & Tiaras Gives Us That Creepy Doll Feeling

Posted on February 1, 2012 by Dabney B.

I’ve mentioned the uncanny valley in a few other articles of mine. Why? Well, I find the concept really interesting, I suppose. It can explain a lot about human nature, especially when it comes to what horrifies and repels us. So, what is the uncanny valley and what does it have to do with TV?

Let me break this down for you (or you can just watch this clip). Basically, the more human-like we make something, the more we like it. If you give a robot arms and a head, people will find them much more endearing than, say, a toaster. But if you keep making them more and more humanlike, you hit this weird creepy zone where the robot starts to look utterly horrifying. Big Dog is a perfect example, because it moves kinda like two people with a box on their head, but it’s still totally creepy.

I think that’s one of the big problems with Toddlers & Tiaras, but most people don’t really realize that it’s a problem.

Image: Tumblr

There are already a ton of very real and f’d up problems with the show. For one, the people in the show try to turn prepubescent girls into sexual objects. When we see that kind of stuff, it makes us feel — what’s the word for it? — skeezy. Inappropriate. Like that uncle who’s not allowed around family reunions anymore, or those people who get married to giant plastic Barbies.

And let’s not forget the fact that these controversial parents subject their kids to such a harsh regiment of beautification that it borders on child abuse.

What I personally think is the most disturbing thing about the show is that the little girls get dolled up so much that they gradually become less and less human looking, so they slowly start to slide down the uncanny valley and start looking creepy.

Wedding bee

Let me to refer to an episode of Criminal Minds appropriately titled “Uncanny Valley.” In this episode, some crazy woman kept petite women drugged up and comatose so she could use them as dolls. When my girlfriend and I were watching it, I distinctly remember her shivering and giving one of those, “yeegh,” groans to capture just how weirded out she was.

Spencer Reid seemed like the only one who wasn’t bothered by it.

Image: Tumblr

These girls were clearly human, but their comatose state and doll-like poses made them cease to be human and become only human-like, at which point that built in creepometer started beeping in the back of our minds.

The same thing is going on with Toddlers & Tiaras. The parents try to make these kids look like adults, except that they’re not equipped with the facial features to pull it off, so they just end up looking creepy. I hate to call a little girl who isn’t in a Japanese horror movie creepy, but honestly, which one looks more like a human: this little girl –

Image: Tongue Fu Talk Radio

or this, an actual robot?

Image: Impactlab

Which of these actually looks more like a real person?

Image: Amypiehoneybunch, realistic-reborn-dolls

If you hate Toddlers & Tiaras, it’s probably because you’re disgusted by the poor parental choices, spoiled children, and questionable sexuality laced throughout the shows. If there’s something about the show that you just can’t quite place your finger on, it’s probably the uncanny valley reminding you that you’re supposed to be creeped out by this.

Fear Factor Goes Too Far With Donkey Money Shot

Posted on January 31, 2012 by Dabney B

Image: Huffington Post

I don’t know about Fear Factor. I’ve always felt like I’m on the verge of liking it, if they could just take it in a slightly different direction. I mean, I love Syfy’s Scare Tactics, a show about creating an elaborate Punk’d-esque ruse designed to scare the pants off of some Joe Blows.

I think my problem with Fear Factor is that it’s hard to really capture the essence of fear when the contestants are on a television show, know they’re on a show, and are fully aware that no real harm will come to them. At that point, is it really scary? I think a better name for the show would be Discomfort Factor or maybe I Really Don’t Want to Eat That Factor.

In fact, the gross foods thing is probably the main reason why I never could quite get behind it. What’s scary about eating a cockroach? It’s disgusting and repulsive, certainly, but not really terrifying. I mean, sure, I don’t expect these contestants to be perfectly comfortable and experience some five-star dining, but are eating spiders, testicles, and eyeballs really the way to go?

Well, Fear Factor may have finally crossed a line with what might be the most disturbing gastrointestinal challenge yet. In an episode that more than likely won’t ever make it to the air, contestants were charged with drinking a warm glass of donkey urine, followed by a frothy mug of donkey semen.

Image: Unicorn Booty

Yummers. Usually I have to give a sketchy Internet site my credit card number to get that kind of entertainment.

So, NBC execs finally decided that they’d crossed a line and decided to pull it the day before it was supposed to air. What kind of message does it send when the producers of a show decide that they’ve gone too far? It’s pretty clear that they’ve just run out of ideas and are scraping the bottom of the barrel for the most repulsive “food” dishes imaginable.

Image: Ksee 24

And the most disturbing thing about this whole episode is that the show never got aired. I mean, I already told you that, but think about it: someone went up on (what he thought would be) national TV and chugged down a mug of donkey semen to win money. He swallowed his pride and went through all of this effort – and the show never gets aired. Is it a good thing that the country isn’t exposed to his shame? Is it a bad thing that he never got his 15 minutes of shame? We may never know.

In any event, this whole debacle should serve as a warning to Fear Factor: I think you’ve jumped the pool of shark guts, which you’re making contestants eat for some stupid reason. It’s probably about time that you cut your losses and stop paying people to vomit up their dignity (which looks a lot like mostly chewed maggots or bull testicles) in front of America.

TV’s Top 5 Sexiest Nerdettes

Posted on January 30, 2012 by Dabney B

It’s never been a better time to be a nerd. Twenty or so years ago, nerds were getting stuffed in lockers and given atomic wedges. I mean, that might still be the case now, but at least nerds nowadays can blossom into acceptable and loved socially awkward nerds.

That trend is becoming more and more evident on TV, with nerdettes getting more and more camera time. As I said in an earlier article, I’m liking this trend that nerd culture is becoming cooler. This focus on female nerds has the added bonus of breaking stereotypes, because it shows audiences that even book worms and brunettes in horn-rimmed glasses can be sexy, too.

5. Kaylee – Firefly

Image: Firefly Wikia

Kaylee’s bound to feel a bit outmatched when it comes to feminine charm aboard Serenity. On one side of her, she’s got Inara, a trained Companion who’s devoted her life to pleasing others. On the other, she’s got Zoe, an exotic Amazonian warrior goddess who kicks ass and still has time to have hot, sweaty alone time with her husband in bed.

But don’t let Kaylee’s inglorious occupation fool you. Her humble demeanor, southern twang, unabashed love of ships, and caring disposition make her the perfect gal. And be honest with yourself: those grease smudges are just too darned cute.

Image: Penny-Arcade

4. Bernadette – The Big Bang Theory

Image: Bluelight

This squeaky blonde gives a new meaning to the term “mousey.” The miniscule Bernadette is uncharacteristically attractive considering the guy she’s dating (lucky douchebag). To be honest, I think she might even more good-looking than the resident “hot one.”

Image: Series and TV

3. Seven of Nine – Star Trek Voyager

Image: Well You Say That

Not only can this blonde bombshell calibrate a super computer to intercept the trajectory of a spacecraft at warp 9.6, but she’s also struggling to rediscover her human emotions and is looking for someone to teach her what it means to love again. And who knows — maybe her Borg hardware comes with built-in vibrating features.

Image: en-memory

Just make sure you give her a chance to freshen up before heading out on a date together.

Image: MS Chaut

2. Jess – The New Girl

The New Girl is getting rant reviews and is quickly developing its own set of devoted followers. But with the “adorkable” Zooey Deschanel at the forefront of the show, it’s hard not to get sucked in.

Image: People

Nyaww, isn’t she so cute? Makes you want to take her home with you, kind of like a puppy that’s so clumsy that it trips over its own paws.

1. Liz Lemon – 30 Rock

Image: Grrl Planet

My favorite nerd goddess of all time, Tina Fey brings out social ineptitude in 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon. One of the best gags of the show is that Liz is completely unsuccessful in the dating world as is often considered to be unattractive, which creates a weird but successful comedic effect, considering how attractive Tina Fey actually is. It’s kind of like that Twilight Zone episode with the ugly doctors. I mean, honestly, who red-blooded male wouldn’t be turned on by this?

Image: Gif Soup

The Face Behind the Voice: TV Voice Actors

Posted on January 28, 2012 by Dabney B

Voice actors are the uncelebrated heroes of animated television. They have to do all of the hard work of actors, but they get only a fraction of the fame. I mean, you don’t ever see voice actors’ faces, so if you ever sat next to one on an airplane you wouldn’t even know that you should ask for his autograph. And because I know that all of you TV aficionados are working hard on your collection of Hollywood John Hancocks, lets’ take a look at some of the most famous voice actors.

Dan Castellaneta

Voices: Homer Simpson, Groundskeeper Willie, Granmpa Simpson, Krusty the Clown, Mayor Quimby, Barney Gumble, etc.

As the voice of Homer Simpson, Dan may quite possibly be the most famous TV voice actor on earth. Ever wonder what the guy actually looks like? Just check the video below.

Nancy Cartwright

Voices: Bart Simpson, Ralph Wiggum, Todd Flanders, etc.

Yes, Bart Simpson (featured above) is voiced by a girl. You probably would have been able to guess that if you’d ever stopped to think about it.

Hank Azaria

Voices: Apu Nahasapeemapetailon, Chief Wiggum, Moe Szyslak, Dr. Nick, etc.

Image: Simpsons Wiki

Some of you may recognize Hank as Phoebe’s on-again, off-again scientist boyfriend from Friends, but just about everybody will recognize his huge set of voices from The Simpsons (click Homer’s clip).

Seth MacFarlane

Voices: Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian, etc

This multitalented guy created Family Guy and now voices many of the characters. One of the most interesting things about his voice acting talent is that he voices Stewie and Brian, 2 characters who are frequently talking to each other. Next time you watch Family Guy, stop and consider how hard it must be for him to hold a conversation (sometimes arguments) with himself in 2 completely different voices.

Peter Cullen

Voices: Optimus Prime

Watching this clip is like meeting my childhood hero.

Steven Blum

Voices: Spike (Cowboy Beebop), Wolverine (Wolverine and the X-Men), etc, Orochimaru (Naruto).

Not everybody will be familiar with Steven Blum’s voice, but the younger generation who grew up with video games and Japanese animation will recognize his deep, gravelly voice in a heartbeat. He’s been in literally hundreds of shows, video games, and movies.

Ikue Otani

Don’t recognize that name? I’m sure you’ll recognize her voice:

Don LaFontaine

Voices: Too many to Count

Don is the guy who does every movie commercial. Ever.

Series Primer: Criminal Minds

Posted on January 28, 2012 by Dabney B

I have a sick and twisted girlfriend. She is a masochist of the highest degree who delights in subjecting herself to the most deranged horror and psychologically dark shows that you could possibly imagine. That wouldn’t be so bad, except that she is extremely sensitive to horror, so much so that we had to sleep with the lights on for over a week after watching Paranormal Activity.

She tears through Criminal Minds like the Hamburgler rips through cheeseburgers. She’s obsessed with the show, seemingly addicted to the demented psychological horrors depicted on the show.

Image: TVGuide

So, by way of osmosis, that pretty much makes me an expert on Criminal Minds, also. That gives me the distinguished privilege of telling you what you can expect if you ever jump into Criminal Minds.

It Will Make You Want to Buy a Baseball Bat

I’m a pretty cheerful guy. I’m generally trusting, friendly, and like to be positive in life. Criminal Minds has changed me. This show was designed to be watched at a rate of one episode every week, not 1-2 episodes every day. I’ve seen too many people ambushed, tortured, and brutally killed to have a positive outlook on life anymore. I’ve sat through so many scenes of murderers ambushing happy families at home that it’s literally affecting how I view the world.

I keep thinking, “If we got attacked now, could I survive? How much is my dog really protecting me? Who would hear me if I screamed?”

Image: DoorSecurityPro

I’ve never had a show affect me quite on this level before. It literally makes me depressed about how evil the world is. A few days ago, I was searching for home invasion defense techniques on Google. Be prepared for how dark this show is. Like a disease, its pessimism will infect you.

The Writers Love to Scar, but Not Kill

This show has something of a unique approach to crime. It doesn’t really care so much about the murder and law-breaking. That’s all just secondary. What the writers really care about is emotional trauma. They would rather inflict life-altering scars on a character rather than kill him off. Sure, there are tons of murders and dead bodies, but those are just a means to an end — and that end is to make everybody as miserable and depressed about humanity as possible.

Image: Criminal Minds Fantastic

Every single character you run across, even the main characters, is bound to experience some incredibly dark and twisted event that will change their psychology forever. I don’t mean “boohoo my TV friend got shot”, I mean:

“Oh no, I got shot and a serial killer used my blood as fingerpaint.”

“Uh-oh, this insane person is shoting me up with heroin, then torturing me in a shed out in the woods.”

“Oh shucks, I was repeatedly raped as a child and guiltily convinced myself that I was doing the right thing by letting it happen.”

Did I mention that this show is dark? Here, this is a family of murderers teaching their kid to be a psycho just like them!

Learn to Think Like a Serial Killer

Not since Dexter’s haunting monologues have we ever come across a show that delves so deeply into the minds of a murderer. You know how most crime shows devote 10 minutes to analyze shell casings and tire marks? They could really care less about that in Criminal Minds. The agents of the Behavioral Analysis Unit (BAU, a basic copy of the real-life BSU), spend every second of the show thinking the way a serial killer thinks. It’s really quite disturbing trying to figure out why somebody removes rib bones, or abuses corpses, or strangles children. We know that type of stuff is sick, but very rarely do we get a glimpse of why these nut jobs do what they do.

5 Catch Phrases that Actually Worked

Posted on January 24, 2012 by Dabney B.

Yowza!

And that’s just the beginning!

Holy moldy baloney!

Don’t mind me, I’m just trying out a few catch phrases for when I eventually get discovered and land my own sitcom. If any of those catch phrases sound dumb, well, it’s probably because catch phrases in general are just a tad stupid.

Giving a character a catch phrase is a cheap way for writers to rely on character humor to make a joke. At best, it’s a ham-fisted attempt to give a character some personality.

Still, some catch phrases manage to defy the odds and actually become, uh, catchy. What separates charming catch phrases from dumb ones? Let’s take a look and see if we can figure it out.

5. “Excellent…” –Mr. Burns

This geriatric yellow crone may have actually been alive when America won its independence from England. Mr. Burns hasn’t stayed alive and rich this long by being a nice guy. He’s ruthless, cruel, and schemes his way to profits.

Mr. Burns’ catch phrase gives off a kind of “all is going according to my plan” vibe. I almost feel like he needs to have a moustache so he can deviously twirl it between his fingers every time he gives that line.

This catch phrase succeeds because the message and tone fits the character quite well. You need evil characters (especially cartoon characters) to say something appropriately diabolical so that the audience knows that they’re up to no good. This phrase does that job quite admirably.

4. Beam me up, Scotty – Star Trek

Image: Zazzle

Sometimes you can’t psychoanalyze a catch phrase to figure out what made it so popular, because there just isn’t much to it. “Beam me up, Scotty,” is just a phrase that the characters on Star Trek needed to say basically out of necessity. Because the show had such a huge cult following and they used the phrase so often, it eventually took on a life of its own and became a part of popular culture.

This one in particular is probably one of the most famous catch phrases, so much so that it even spawned a bad rap song.

3. “No soup for you.” – Seinfeld

Image: Caring for Apathy

A lot of catch phrases were probably written with the express intention of becoming a catch phrase, so that you could eventually print it on a T-Shirt and sell them for $14.99 a pop.

Every once in a while, an audience grabs onto an otherwise normal line from a television series and turn it into a catch phrase just because they love it so much. The Soup Nazi’s “No soup for you!” is a perfect example of that.

2. “Hi-yo Silver, away!” The Long Ranger

Some catch phrases insert themselves into the cultural subconscious by virtue of the fact that they just stick in your head, kind of like a song whose name you can’t place or maybe a brain tumor.

“Hi-yo Silver, away!” is one of those lines because of the rhythm and intensity of it all. Even while you’re sitting there at your desk, reading this article, you can’t look over those lines and read them in a normal voice. Your brain automatically defaults to the song-like shout, inevitably drawing out that last word into “awaaayyyyyy!”

I’m not sure how this catch phrase does it, but it just appeals to that part of your brain that makes you tap your foot in sync to Britney Spears songs, even though you know better.

1. “Autobots, transform and roll out!” – Optimus Prime

This catch phrase works on a couple of different levels. First off, Optimus Prime is the leader of the Autobots, so it’s actually fitting that he would give a deployment order like this. It’s really not all that different from what we’d expect a real military commander to say, except without the cheesy pun.

And despite the fact that the fun is cheesier than the state of Wisconsin, that doesn’t make it any less appealing to 10-year-old boys, who immediately get the connection between the phrase and the literal act of wheels rolling, prompting them to scream at their parents to buy them plastic robot toys.

Image: Poiskworld

This is one of the better catch phrases because everything about it fits. It fits with the character, it fits with the theme of the show, and its message applies in virtually every situation. I mean, it’s an action show. You can’t have Optimus Prime saying, “Get ‘em, boys,” or “I’m going to make you wish you were never born!”