My Uninformed Impressions of Five Shows I’ve Never Watched

Posted on February 10, 2012 by Anni M.

Image source: Inventorsdigest.com

Yeah, I watch a lot of television. I have a very long list of shows I enjoy, and I’m usually willing to give new ones a single episode trial run, at the very least. But there are only so many hours in a day and sometimes I have to write blog posts. So, inevitably, there are some shows I just haven’t seen. Sometimes I genuinely don’t want to watch something because it looks stupid. Other times, it’s just a sad reality of living: too much T.V., too little life to waste on it. But not watching a show doesn’t stop me from forming an opinion. Usually it’s based on partially glimpsed advertisements, tabloid news, overheard conversations, and muted commercials. Here are my uninformed impressions/opinions of five shows I’ve never watched. Enjoy.

Dancing With the Stars

Image source: Aroundthenetworks.com

It’s fun to watch people try to do something they don’t know how to do. Overweight people like Kirstie Alley give us an exciting real-time progression of before-to-after. People we think are unusual or otherwise freakshowish like Chaz Bono are encouraged, because what’s better than watching a freak dance? Nothing. I imagine there are lots of dance studio shots of celebrities breaking down or getting divaish. Also, there are long pauses before they announce the winners of each round. Am I right?

Hoarders

Image source: Fanpop.com

There is nothing less appealing to me than a reality television show that exploits people with real psychiatric disorders. It’s not cool to enjoy illness and suffering, no matter how shocking or sensational it may seem. This is the kind of show people in sci-fi dystopias watch on television—when all ethical and moral quandaries have been supplanted with Victory Gin and lobotomies.

Bear Grylls: Man vs. Wild

Image source: Aetv.com

Eff you, Bear Grylls. You’re not Steve Irwin and you never will be. I bet you have a film crew ready to bail you out every second and you secretly sleep in hotels when you’re supposed to be surviving on desert islands or whatever. Or maybe that’s the survival show guy? I don’t know. I’ve never watched him either.

Storage Wars

Image source: Latimesblogs.latimes.com

So this is where people go to storage units and fight over what’s in them, right? I can see how this could be awesome if the storage units were owned by like a Sting or a Jay-Z, but I bet Sting and Jay-Z pay their monthly storage bills. Instead it’s probably show after show of hagglers haggling over picture frames and candlesticks. Not to mention the poor people who get to watch their family heirlooms in a tug-of-war on T.V. No thanks.

The Real Housewives Franchise

Image source: Latimesblogs.latimes.com

Considering my ridiculous attachment to Jersey Shore, maybe I should give this a chance. But I wonder, rather than oranging-up for a T.V. show, shouldn’t they be, like, bonding with their kids or doing other “real” housewifey things? It just seems to me like a bunch of filthy rich ladies with weird surgery faces complaining about their tiny dogs.

Boutique Reality Show: The Adam Carolla Project

Posted on February 10, 2012 by Kate W.

Image From: Premium Hollywood

For every long-running reality show (Survivor, The Amazing Race, etc.), there also exists one that lasted for just a brief, shining moment in time. There are a multitude of reasons why a show doesn’t take off. Sometimes it’s really terrible, sometimes it’s great but doesn’t connect with a wide audience, and sometimes the show premise is such that anything more than a season or two would be redundant, and would dilute the greatness of the show. I consider these to be the boutique reality shows; small, special, and not widely available. Today, I’ll talk about one of my favorites of these, The Carolla Project.

Continue reading →

Reality TV Financial Role Models: Storage Wars

Posted on February 9, 2012 by Kate W.

We all know you can’t get a practical financial picture from scripted television. In real life, there’s no way an unemployed chef and a waitress could afford an apartment the size of Monica and Rachel’s on Friends, I don’t care how rent-controlled it is. So I’ve turned to reality TV for a better idea of how to earn and manage money. In this economy, everyone’s looking for new, creative ways to make money. In fact, there are several unscripted shows focusing on these alternatively employed gurus I like to call Reality TV Financial Role Models. Today, we’ll explore the financial savvy of the cast of A&E’s Storage Wars.

Continue reading →

Who Ya’ Gonna Call? Top Five Paranormal Programs

Posted on February 8, 2012 by Shannon M.

You don’t have to be Peter Venkman to know that paranormal is popular. Some of the most-watched shows on cable television revolve around elements of fear and the unknown – be it ghosts, creepy psychic teens, or a fire in the sky. Over the years, TV execs have tapped into this fascination with gripping, sensationalized, paranormal programming. I’ve found the following shows to be a disembodied head and shoulders above the rest:

Ghost Hunters

Image Source: Syfy.com

If you know ghost shows, then you know Jason and Grant. Since 2004, the crew of the Atlantic Paranormal Society (TAPS) has explored the darkened corners and dusty confines of some of America’s most haunted establishments. Sure, these dads aren’t proving the existence of an afterlife or even proving anything really but, gosh darnit, every hour I spend with those guys is an hour well-spent. Perhaps that’s why Ghost Hunters, now in its 8th season, is the longest-running reality show on Syfy.

Paranormal State

Image Source: aetv.com

Ryan Buell takes ghost-hunting very seriously. At times, the stoic, seldom-smiling host of Paranormal State seems more haunted than the houses he investigates. It’s that seriousness which is both terrifying and intriguing. Mostly because it underscores the fact that Ryan and the rag-tag crew of Penn State’s Paranormal Research Society (PRS) might actually believe in ghosts they are hunting. Unlike other shows in the genre, Paranormal State gives more focus to the human and research elements of their cases, making episodes more like mini-documentaries than thrillers.

Paranormal Witness

Image Source: Syfy.com

Syfy warns viewers against watching Paranormal Witness alone and, no lie, this show almost scared the bejesus out of me. Maybe it was the reenactments or perhaps it was the fact that I was watching in the dark – what ever the reason, this show was terrifying. Paranormal Witness is cinematic to the core, combining drama and lore with documentary-style narratives.

Ghostly Encounters

Image Source: zap2it.com

Sure, the producers of Ghostly Encounters probably need to hire a new graphics guy. And, while they’re at it, they probably need to get a new host, too. Everything else though, from the first-hand ghost stories to the reenactments and set design (or lack thereof) is totally engaging. Oh, and every one speaks in a Canadian accent – which is, of course, just the icing on the cake.

The Dead Files

Image Source: travelchannel.com

The Dead Files turn the classic psychic investigative show on its head with a tormented medium (Amy) and a retired New York City homicide detective (Steve). This team is like the Turner and Hooch of ghost shows! The best part of The Dead Files, however, is in the different “investigation” tactics. Whereas Steve resorts to his professional training, Amy relies on what appears to be a mild form of spirit possession. It’s kind of awkward – and utterly amazing.

Southie Pride: Boston’s Sub-Culture Is Wickeder than Yours

Posted on February 8, 2012 by Anni M.

Image source: Huffingtonpost.com

Here’s what makes a good reality show: pride that runs deep, rivalries that are forever, militant home-town patriotism, hot babes, wicked good accents… oh and 495 Productions, the masterminds behind Jersey Shore. Get ready, America. Coming this fall, TLC will be bringing you a brand new reality show to sink your greedy vampire teeth into. It’s called Southie Pride (working title) and it’s going to be so revolutionary, so completely outside-the-box, so totally post-postmodern and, like, a comment on society. I’m only kidding in some ways…

I do admit to sharing my country’s fascination with the reality television phenomenon. Yes, much of it has gotten completely out of hand, trying to make entertainment out of the boringest people doing the boringest things (I’m looking at you, Say Yes to the Dress). But there are still some gems worth spending your life on. If you’ve been reading for a while, you may know how I feel about Jersey Shore. I love watching those strange, self-identified guidos and guidettes represent an underbelly of a culture of excess that’s just gotten so darn full of itself its liable to bust… like popped implants. It really is a comment on what we’ve become, and an orange brick road to where we’re going.

That’s why I’m actually wiggling in my boots over Southie Pride, and not cause I have to pee. I grew up near Boston and had a few good friends from Southie. It’ll be like watching Jersey Shore having known a guido. I think you can understand how thrilling that would be. Of course, the people of South Boston may not share my enthusiasm, and if I lived there I sure wouldn’t either. There’s no doubt in my mind that Southie Pride will make the citizens of Southie less proud—at least in the eyes of America. Leave it to reality T.V. to strip a place of the single thing that makes it great. Moving on…

Image source: Massholesports.com

Thanks in large part to the brothers Damon-Affleck and their homage to the neighborhood in Good Will Hunting, Southie has been mythologized in popular culture as some kind of working man’s community picnic. FYI, Damon and Affleck DID NOT grow up in Southie. They grew up in Cambridge—home to Harvard University and MIT and very rich people and Au Bon Pain. My point is, how many relatively poor, kinda dirty, drug-riddled, crimey neighborhoods in America can you think of that seem so darn romantic?

Ben Affleck and Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting

Image source: Freeextras.com

I know this show might suck. So much depends on the casting… and the direction, the editing, the film crew… the “movie magic” behind the “reality.” One thing it really has going for it is its all-girl cast. I’m a girl too! I can already relate. I’m also excited for the welling-up feeling I’ll get watching a bunch of charismatic, down-on-their-luck, tough-as-nails working ladies being there for each other. Sorry, people of Southie, but a cup of that, a tablespoon of good old Southie tradition, a pinch of violence, a gallon of Red Sox, three un-washed illegitimate children, a dab of boob flashes, some vodka shots: now that sounds like a recipe for good T.V.

Jersey Shore Producers Set Out to Ruin Classy Film Cred of South Boston

Posted on February 8, 2012 by Bailey C.

Image Source: boston.com

Though they’ve so far been portrayed in only the most dignified of ways (onscreen in Oscar darlings Good Will Hunting, The Fighter and The Departed, to name a few), the denizens of South Boston will now be put under the small-screen microscope as Jersey Shore producers move forward with a reality show examining Boston’s most notorious neighborhood. So let’s all start practicing saying, “Why’d you pahk the cah in the yahd?” now just so we won’t be left behind. Continue reading →

Viewer Profile: The Junk Hunter

Posted on February 7, 2012 by Dabney B.

My mother’s side of the family is what you’d call “country.” The older the generation, the more incomprehensible their accent becomes and the more avidly they talk about God and country.

I don’t really know if this is true for the rest of the South, but everyone on my mom’s side of the family loves to go on yard sales. It’s like a Saturday tradition: they head out at something like 6 AM and rummage through strangers’ musty attic boxes in search of some trinket so that they can haggle the price from 50 cents down to a nickle.

Image: Highlandparkcc

Personally, I’ve never really seen the appeal. In fact, so many members of my family have such a love of this kind of shopping that I have developed an almost allergic reaction to it. I delight in not purchasing things, resisting sales, and hoarding all of my money like a dragon sitting on a huge pile of gold.

While you’ll never catch me trying to buy a pile of 20 DVD at .05 cents a piece at a yard sale, I will admit that I understand why my family gets so riled up over yard sales. TV has shown me the wondrous excitement of junk hunting by proving to me (much to my chagrin) that I am a junk hunter viewer.

How is junk hunting different from shopping? Well, they both involve an exchange of money for goods, that much is true, but the similarities end there. The real appeal to junk hunting is that you can find a hidden treasure, some lost artifact shrouded in mystery and steeped in history at the bottom of some crate. It’s like being a backyard archaeologist, rummaging through human history to find the vestiges of a long-forgotten era.

More than likely, what you’ll find is junk, junk, and more junk, but there’s always the chance of stumbling upon a diamond in the rough. TV is more than willing to cater to this unique hobby of junk hunting with a whole host of shows that brilliantly interweave history, exploration, and capitalism.

Pawn Stars

Image: The Voice of TV

Watch the eternally sleepy Old Man, the shrewd Rick, and the adorably dumb Chumlee haggle down prices of literal historic artifacts. The shop’s got Super Bowl rings, an honest-to-god moon landing flag, and the No. 1 issue of Playboy featuring the incredibly sexy Marilyn Monroe. And the best part? You can buy anything you see on the show by visiting their site.

Auction Hunters, Storage Wars

Image: Hulu

These junk hunters bid on the face value of storage units, which are enormous mounds of junk about as enticing as the presents beneath a Christmas Tree. I’ve seen people crack into safes, find guns worth thousands of dollars, and entire cars in these storage units.

American Pickers

Image: Orlando Sentinel

These guys are basically aggressive yard sale enthusiasts who move from house to house, asking strangers if they can buy the junk in their yard. Perhaps the least glorified of the junk hunting shows, American Pickers buy rusty old cans for mere dollars, polish them up, and sell them for $50 a pop, but every once in a while they’ll get a real treasure.

Hoarders

Image: Esquire

Hoarders shows junk hunters who have given into the dark side and let their hobby become an obsession. While the show may focus more on the struggle with the disease than the actual junk, it’s hard to pull your eyes away from the mind-blowing piles of stuff. Part of you is repulsed by the filthiness of these hoarders’ houses, and the other part of you can’t help but wonder how much all of that junk is worth.

Seven Deadly Sins of Reality TV

Posted on February 7, 2012 by Kris M.

Image: worldstarhiphop.com

If you ever need proof to support the argument that society is immoral, look no further than reality TV shows. If the seven deadly sins are a representation of the worst aspects of mankind, then reality shows are a look into the darkest facets of humanity. You can find each of the seven deadly sins in today’s reality programming—so if the world really does end in 2012, we know what to blame.

Pride – Project Runway, Top Chef, American Idol

Image: blogspot.com

If there’s one thing every reality TV contest suffers from it’s a sense of pride. In order to put your art or your passion out there to be judged in front of an audience of millions, you have to have pride in your work. But nobody ever told these people that a little goes a long way.

Greed – The Apprentice, Fear Factor, Joe Millionaire

Image: tvdvdset.com

When a reality show comes with a life-changing prize like cash or a job opportunity, contestants fight tooth and nail to get it. We love watching people backstab, form alliances and play mind games all for that sweet prize. TV shows where people consume animal semen for cash are a sign of how desperately greedy we’ve become.

Lust – The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Next,

Image: aceshowbiz.com

Dating shows are always about a bunch of attractive meat bags burning through romantic partners in a rapid-fire race to find a compatible match. Leave it to reality television to make romance seem tawdry.

Envy – Made, Wife Swap, The Buried Life

Image: realtelevision.net

Everybody on reality TV wants to be somebody else. People are ready to trade lives in a heartbeat just to see what else is out there, but in the end the lesson almost always boils down to being grateful for what you have—your fifteen minutes of fame.

Gluttony – The Biggest Loser, Fat Chef, Intervention

Image: image.com

In a world of overconsumption these reality shows try to preach a message of self-control while allowing viewers to indulge in the pleasure of watching other people lose control. It’s hard to admit to your own gluttonous behaviors when there are so many people on reality TV that are worse off than you.

Wrath – Jersey Shore, The Real World, The Bad Girls Club

You have to tread lightly around reality TV stars because they can go from zero to crazy in the blink of an eye. There’s a very simple equation to these types of reality shows—gather a bunch of people with volatile personalities, trap them in an enclosed space and add alcohol. The result is a steady stream of swearing, screaming and drunken fist fighting.

Sloth – Hoarders, Supernanny, What Not to Wear

Image: wordpress.com

No need to do anything for yourself anymore because reality TV crews are ready and willing to clean out your house, raise your children and make sure you don’t look ridiculous when you go outside. In China, they have shows where contestants go after their dream jobs, while in America we have shows about how to not let our kids act like monsters.

The Real Housewives: Making You Feel Better About Yourself Since 2007

Posted on February 7, 2012 by Kate W.

real housewives orange county gretchen alexis vicki tamra

Image From: Poptower

There are several branches of the Real Housewives franchise, ranging from the sublime (Beverly Hills) to the ridiculous (D.C.) to the stultifying (Miami). But tonight we welcome back the one that started it all. That’s right. The OGs of the OC are back in business at 9pm tonight!

Continue reading →

What a Character: Chelsea Handler

Posted on February 6, 2012 by Bailey C.

Image Source: Film.com

If Ellen Degeneres is TV’s ray of positive, bright sunshine, Chelsea Handler is its shot of tequila. Kind of a bad idea, but on a late Friday night you just sort of can’t help but indulge. She’s the type who would dine at a reality-TV-themed restaurant for the irony as much as for the actual enjoyment of a Real Housewives of New Jersey meatball. Continue reading →