Vampires are a pretty popular TV monster, right up there with zombies. Unlike zombies, though, writers go completely haywire with their vampire designs. I mean, think about zombies.
What is a zombie?
It’s a dead guy that shambles around and eats people, making more zombies.
How do you kill a zombie?
Destroy its brain.
Done. Easy. The zombie is pretty much universal. Every once in a while you’ll get something a little bit wacky, like the fast zombies in 28 Days Later, but that is a very rare exception.
But once you get over into vampire territory, things start to get weird.
Image: Pete Klein Vampires
What is a vampire? It’s, uh, a person, I think. Unless it’s a monters, or a monster-person hybrid. It sucks human blood usually, possibly because it wants to, but maybe because it has to. They’re biological and natural. They’re magical and spiritual. The look like people. They look like bats. They have no powers. They climb on walls and are immortal. Are we still talking about the same creature, here?
How do you kill a vampire?
That’s easy, garlic! Oh, close one. Garlic only works on some vampires. Well, what about stakes? Hmm, it’s possible, but for the biological vampires cutting their heads off seems to work too. Ooh, ooh – I know! Sunlight!
I mean, would it be beneficial to build yourself a custom aquarium filled entirely with holy water as an anti-vampire defense, or will that just net you some particularly religious gold fish?
Who knows? Maybe yes, maybe no, it’s all a coin toss in modern TV.
So let’s take a look at some TV vampires and figure out who has the most vampire-esque vampires.
5. Vampire Diaries
Type: Magical
Image: TVRecappersAnonymous
Calling the vampires on Vampire Diaries a vampire is kind of a stretch. These guys aren’t designed to be vampires so much as sexy soap opera characters with special powers. These guys are less like vampires and more like sexy 20-something super heroes with a weird allergy condition.
Powers: Super strong and fast, enhanced senses, impeccable fashion sense, chiseled bodies, long eyelashes.
Weaknesses: Holy items and Love Triangles. A stake in the gut paralyzes (but doesn’t kill), and sunlight kills them unless they have magical rings, which lets them walk around like normal. The problem is that every vampire has one of these rings, which kind of defeats the whole point, doesn’t it? Also, this random plant called vervain weakens them.
Vampireness: 4/10 — They have a lot of vampire traits, but there’s something seriously wrong with a vampire that can work on his tan.
4. The Munsters
Type: Probably magical (damn, where are all the biological vampires? TV desperately needs more Blade-style bloodsuckers)
- Image: Gregroys Shock Theater
Grandpa Munster showed his age, and he should, considering that his gravestone read “1367—?” He’s certainly the least threatening vampire of the bunch, but do all vampires really have to be scary just to qualify? Just ask any teenage girl, and she’ll be sure to tell you that vampires are just misunderstood bad boys who just want a pretty girl to love.
Powers: Can transform into a bat or wolf, seemingly immortal, sarcastic wit.
Weaknesses: Laughable old dolt.
Vampireness: 6/10 — Would be 8/10, but he never managed to bite anyone.
3. True Blood
Type: Magical
Image: Wired
Vampires came out of the coffin, so to speak, after Japan invented blood in a bottle. Now that they’re out in the open, then can hit the bars, flirt, and occasionally bite people.
Powers: Mind control, flight, super strength and speed.
Weaknesses: Sunlight, silver, wooden stakes, STDS (seriously, hep-D weakens them). In direct opposition to Vampire Diaries’ pseudo vampires, these blood suckers experience something called the “bleeds” if they so much as stay awake at daytime.
Vampireness: 7/10 — Interesting spin on old legends, and they weren’t afraid to make the vampires plenty weak.
2. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Type: Magical (Demon)
- Image: NY Post
Buffy’s vampires are an interesting take. They’re actually demons that walk around in our dimension by possessing a human corpse, kind of like driving a car. They’ve got these weird boney faces and overgrown teeth, making them look pretty freaky. Fortunately for the vamps, they only show their true selves in stressful situations, such as when Buffy breaks down the door and starts chucking stakes.
Powers: They’re super strong, have great senses, don’t breathe, and can suck a human dry in seconds.
Weaknesses: Holy items, wood through the ticker, fire, sunlight – the whole gamut of traditional weaknesses.
Vampireness: — 8/10 Very traditional vampire, but a bit odd with the origin story.
1… 1 Vampire! Ah-ah-ah!
Type: Magical
Muppet Wikia
Count von Count is probably the single most traditional vampire of everyone on the list. He’s even got a cape and a flawless Transylvanian accent. And worst of all, Count von Count is easily the most terrifying vampire in all of television. First of all, he is literally insane, suffering from compulsive arithomania and prone to demented bouts of laughter. He loves children far more than any vampire should, and has a stunning array of powers.
Powers: Hypnosis, transformation, can control lightning by laughing, and excellent counting skills.
Weaknesses: None. He regularly chills in sunlight.
Vampireness: 9/10 — Would be 10/10 if not for the sunlight thing.
