Yeah, I watch a lot of television. I have a very long list of shows I enjoy, and I’m usually willing to give new ones a single episode trial run, at the very least. But there are only so many hours in a day and sometimes I have to write blog posts. So, inevitably, there are some shows I just haven’t seen. Sometimes I genuinely don’t want to watch something because it looks stupid. Other times, it’s just a sad reality of living: too much T.V., too little life to waste on it. But not watching a show doesn’t stop me from forming an opinion. Usually it’s based on partially glimpsed advertisements, tabloid news, overheard conversations, and muted commercials. Here are my uninformed impressions/opinions of five shows I’ve never watched. Enjoy.
Dancing With the Stars
It’s fun to watch people try to do something they don’t know how to do. Overweight people like Kirstie Alley give us an exciting real-time progression of before-to-after. People we think are unusual or otherwise freakshowish like Chaz Bono are encouraged, because what’s better than watching a freak dance? Nothing. I imagine there are lots of dance studio shots of celebrities breaking down or getting divaish. Also, there are long pauses before they announce the winners of each round. Am I right?
There is nothing less appealing to me than a reality television show that exploits people with real psychiatric disorders. It’s not cool to enjoy illness and suffering, no matter how shocking or sensational it may seem. This is the kind of show people in sci-fi dystopias watch on television—when all ethical and moral quandaries have been supplanted with Victory Gin and lobotomies.
Bear Grylls: Man vs. Wild
Eff you, Bear Grylls. You’re not Steve Irwin and you never will be. I bet you have a film crew ready to bail you out every second and you secretly sleep in hotels when you’re supposed to be surviving on desert islands or whatever. Or maybe that’s the survival show guy? I don’t know. I’ve never watched him either.
So this is where people go to storage units and fight over what’s in them, right? I can see how this could be awesome if the storage units were owned by like a Sting or a Jay-Z, but I bet Sting and Jay-Z pay their monthly storage bills. Instead it’s probably show after show of hagglers haggling over picture frames and candlesticks. Not to mention the poor people who get to watch their family heirlooms in a tug-of-war on T.V. No thanks.
The Real Housewives Franchise
Considering my ridiculous attachment to Jersey Shore, maybe I should give this a chance. But I wonder, rather than oranging-up for a T.V. show, shouldn’t they be, like, bonding with their kids or doing other “real” housewifey things? It just seems to me like a bunch of filthy rich ladies with weird surgery faces complaining about their tiny dogs.