Sure, we all know Jersey Shore is a cultural hot mess. It’s a train wreck, vaudeville, sand in uncomfortable places after a day at the beach and a Four Loko (with caffeine) all rolled into one. While my husband and I sat down to enjoy Jersey Shore this past Thursday I began, as I often do, to try and imagine myself in the shore house. In real life I’d probably pull a Situation à la Italia and smash my own head into a cement wall. But if I could magically warp my consciousness into one of their rippling be-tanned bodies Freaky Friday style, there’s no doubt in my mind that I’d choose Pauly D.
Age and Wisdom, The Twain Shall Meet
Pauly is old. I think he’s like 45. Maybe it’s his maturity, but he seems somehow smarter than everyone else. It could also be that he’s just smarter than everyone else.
Pauly “The Body” Delvecchio
While The Situation may get all the press for his abs, Pauly D knows what’s really up: “Me, Ronnie and Sitch always compare bodies. I have the best, because everything’s defined, tight and well-proportioned.” Yes, if you do say so yourself, P.
The Meat in a Bromance Sandwich
Everyone wants a piece of Pauly D. If Ronnie is a slice of thick brown toast and Vinny is a slice of thinner, less brown toast, Pauly D is the hunk of juicy guido beef in between.
America’s Got Pauly D and He’s Got Talent
In December of 2011, Pauly D signed to 50 Cent’s record label and was chosen as one of VIBE’s top six DJs of the year.
He’s Not The Situation
Has there ever been a more slimy reality television personality? Even the housemates think he’s gross! It’s a classic example of the teapot calling the kettle gross. In this case the kettle is indeed way grosser than the teapot.
He’s Also Not Ronnie
I’m sorry but Ronnie reminds me so much of King Koopa, a.k.a. Bowser, the classic Mario Bros. villain. I don’t know if it’s the stout-muscled look, the wide face, the empty eyes or the roid rage.
Sadly, Vinny is Second Fiddle
I’m sorry, Vinny. You’re sweet. It’s just that Pauly has this talent and charisma going for him and all you have is an unpleasant season 5 haircut. Really though, it’s not you Vin, it’s me.
Desired Yet Never Smushed
Sure, there’s been the occasional club hook-up, but Pauly has never smushed anyone in the shore house, and not for lack of interest. Deena served up her kooka like a traditional Italian Sunday dinner and still, Pauly declined. I’m not sure that’s the best example of self-control, but hey, sometimes a hungry man does eat a meatball.
Godlike, He Floats Above the Drama
Pauly D is like Buddha if Buddha took Zumba.
Nobody Wants to Be A Woman at The Shore
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the girls getting action, but I loathe the inevitable morning follow-up. Even Pauly can’t help but ridicule the ladies for being loose and slut-like. It’s awesome when the guys do it, but the girls they do it to are whores who don’t deserve respect. I know it’s probably one of those deaf-ear situations but can it please stop being cool to act out 1950’s gender roles on reality television? Yeah, I know, consider my breath un-held.