Why Toddlers & Tiaras Gives Us That Creepy Doll Feeling

Posted on February 1, 2012 by Dabney B.

I’ve mentioned the uncanny valley in a few other articles of mine. Why? Well, I find the concept really interesting, I suppose. It can explain a lot about human nature, especially when it comes to what horrifies and repels us. So, what is the uncanny valley and what does it have to do with TV?

Let me break this down for you (or you can just watch this clip). Basically, the more human-like we make something, the more we like it. If you give a robot arms and a head, people will find them much more endearing than, say, a toaster. But if you keep making them more and more humanlike, you hit this weird creepy zone where the robot starts to look utterly horrifying. Big Dog is a perfect example, because it moves kinda like two people with a box on their head, but it’s still totally creepy.

I think that’s one of the big problems with Toddlers & Tiaras, but most people don’t really realize that it’s a problem.

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There are already a ton of very real and f’d up problems with the show. For one, the people in the show try to turn prepubescent girls into sexual objects. When we see that kind of stuff, it makes us feel — what’s the word for it? — skeezy. Inappropriate. Like that uncle who’s not allowed around family reunions anymore, or those people who get married to giant plastic Barbies.

And let’s not forget the fact that these controversial parents subject their kids to such a harsh regiment of beautification that it borders on child abuse.

What I personally think is the most disturbing thing about the show is that the little girls get dolled up so much that they gradually become less and less human looking, so they slowly start to slide down the uncanny valley and start looking creepy.

Wedding bee

Let me to refer to an episode of Criminal Minds appropriately titled “Uncanny Valley.” In this episode, some crazy woman kept petite women drugged up and comatose so she could use them as dolls. When my girlfriend and I were watching it, I distinctly remember her shivering and giving one of those, “yeegh,” groans to capture just how weirded out she was.

Spencer Reid seemed like the only one who wasn’t bothered by it.

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These girls were clearly human, but their comatose state and doll-like poses made them cease to be human and become only human-like, at which point that built in creepometer started beeping in the back of our minds.

The same thing is going on with Toddlers & Tiaras. The parents try to make these kids look like adults, except that they’re not equipped with the facial features to pull it off, so they just end up looking creepy. I hate to call a little girl who isn’t in a Japanese horror movie creepy, but honestly, which one looks more like a human: this little girl –

Image: Tongue Fu Talk Radio

or this, an actual robot?

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Which of these actually looks more like a real person?

Image: Amypiehoneybunch, realistic-reborn-dolls

If you hate Toddlers & Tiaras, it’s probably because you’re disgusted by the poor parental choices, spoiled children, and questionable sexuality laced throughout the shows. If there’s something about the show that you just can’t quite place your finger on, it’s probably the uncanny valley reminding you that you’re supposed to be creeped out by this.

Series Primer: Criminal Minds

Posted on January 28, 2012 by Dabney B

I have a sick and twisted girlfriend. She is a masochist of the highest degree who delights in subjecting herself to the most deranged horror and psychologically dark shows that you could possibly imagine. That wouldn’t be so bad, except that she is extremely sensitive to horror, so much so that we had to sleep with the lights on for over a week after watching Paranormal Activity.

She tears through Criminal Minds like the Hamburgler rips through cheeseburgers. She’s obsessed with the show, seemingly addicted to the demented psychological horrors depicted on the show.

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So, by way of osmosis, that pretty much makes me an expert on Criminal Minds, also. That gives me the distinguished privilege of telling you what you can expect if you ever jump into Criminal Minds.

It Will Make You Want to Buy a Baseball Bat

I’m a pretty cheerful guy. I’m generally trusting, friendly, and like to be positive in life. Criminal Minds has changed me. This show was designed to be watched at a rate of one episode every week, not 1-2 episodes every day. I’ve seen too many people ambushed, tortured, and brutally killed to have a positive outlook on life anymore. I’ve sat through so many scenes of murderers ambushing happy families at home that it’s literally affecting how I view the world.

I keep thinking, “If we got attacked now, could I survive? How much is my dog really protecting me? Who would hear me if I screamed?”

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I’ve never had a show affect me quite on this level before. It literally makes me depressed about how evil the world is. A few days ago, I was searching for home invasion defense techniques on Google. Be prepared for how dark this show is. Like a disease, its pessimism will infect you.

The Writers Love to Scar, but Not Kill

This show has something of a unique approach to crime. It doesn’t really care so much about the murder and law-breaking. That’s all just secondary. What the writers really care about is emotional trauma. They would rather inflict life-altering scars on a character rather than kill him off. Sure, there are tons of murders and dead bodies, but those are just a means to an end — and that end is to make everybody as miserable and depressed about humanity as possible.

Image: Criminal Minds Fantastic

Every single character you run across, even the main characters, is bound to experience some incredibly dark and twisted event that will change their psychology forever. I don’t mean “boohoo my TV friend got shot”, I mean:

“Oh no, I got shot and a serial killer used my blood as fingerpaint.”

“Uh-oh, this insane person is shoting me up with heroin, then torturing me in a shed out in the woods.”

“Oh shucks, I was repeatedly raped as a child and guiltily convinced myself that I was doing the right thing by letting it happen.”

Did I mention that this show is dark? Here, this is a family of murderers teaching their kid to be a psycho just like them!

Learn to Think Like a Serial Killer

Not since Dexter’s haunting monologues have we ever come across a show that delves so deeply into the minds of a murderer. You know how most crime shows devote 10 minutes to analyze shell casings and tire marks? They could really care less about that in Criminal Minds. The agents of the Behavioral Analysis Unit (BAU, a basic copy of the real-life BSU), spend every second of the show thinking the way a serial killer thinks. It’s really quite disturbing trying to figure out why somebody removes rib bones, or abuses corpses, or strangles children. We know that type of stuff is sick, but very rarely do we get a glimpse of why these nut jobs do what they do.

T.V. Crushes Worth Having: Matthew Gray Gubler

Posted on January 24, 2012 by Anni M.

Image source: Alexanddevon.com

Lately, my husband and I have been watching Criminal Minds. It all started when I had minor surgery and was laid up on percocets for a few days. It turns out Mandy Patinkin and the gang is dangerously compelling when taken with a healthy dose of narcotics. Kidding aside, and fact-based deduction under the bus (though Patinkin’s Gideon will tell you he’s not just making this up as he goes, he swears), Criminal Minds does offer up one true shining star, a breath of fresh nerd, a sight for sore surgery areas: Dr. Spencer Reid as played by Matthew Gray Gubler.

Image source: Style.bitchbuzz.com

There is a time in every girl’s life when she suddenly realizes she’s been thinking sexy thoughts about a television character while changing the cat’s litter. It’s not a proud moment. It presages a startling real-life drama in which that selfsame girl loses her grip and starts making an obsession wall. Fortunately I haven’t jumped off that particular bridge quite yet. I have, however, thoroughly Internet stalked Mr. Gubler and I will say, obvious stupidly good looks aside, he’s actually pretty impressive as a human being.

I’m embarrassed to admit that my first real T.V. crush since Charlie on Num3ers started his career as a fashion model. I guess I’m not the only girl in the world who finds Gubler attractive. Shoot. I was banking on being the only girl in the world who finds Gubler attractive.

Matthew Gray Gubler Modeling in a Magazine

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Gubler’s first big-time role was as Intern #1 in The Life Aquatic. While I do love that movie, I can’t say he made much of an impression. I blame Wes Anderson.

Image source: Sptimes.com

My favorite thing about Matthew is his non-television-related life. He has a great website. He paints Egon Schiele-like portraits of himself that somehow don’t seem self-satisfied.

Matthew Gray Gubler painted self portrait

Image source: Boyswithbanjos.com

He once painted a portrait of one of my favorite writers, Charles Bukowski.

Image source: Boyswithbanjos.com

Matthew appreciates voluptuousness. He does not have a girlfriend. He also makes mockumentaries about being a Hollywood star. The only thing worse than being obsessed with an actor on Criminal Minds would be being obsessed with an actor on Criminal Minds who takes himself seriously.

The moral of the story is: sometimes we are powerless in the midst of charisma. If Matthew Gray Gubler posts his email address on the Internet, he can’t blame me for trying to seduce him with clever emails. If my husband is jealous, he can put on nerdy glasses and pretend to be a crime-fighting boy genius.

What TV Characters Watch on TV

Posted on January 9, 2012 by Dabney B

Liz Lemon – 30 Rock

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Liz has a borderline unhealthy obsession with food. Mix that with shaky self-esteem and plummeting self-image issues, and top it off with a bizarre sense of optimistic determination, and you’ve got one middle-aged woman who really should have broken down by now. Luckily, there’s one thing that gets her through the day. C’mon, for Liz, this stuff is like porn.

Dr. Perry Cox – Scrubs

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Dr. Cox is a sadistic narcissist who loves torturing those around him. After a long day of sewing up gaping wounds and inflicting emotional scars on his coworkers, Dr. Cox loves to go home, kick up his feet, and watch the one guy on TV he can actually relate to.

Bender – Futurama

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This robot loves nothing more than booze, cigars, and hookers. Booze and cigars and easy to get, but robo-prostitutes aren’t always in good supply. In times like that, Bender can find grade-A robotic smut on the Science Channel.

Simon Cowell – The X Factor

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Simon catches a lot of flak for being the harsh one. You can’t just give everybody a thumbs up and pass them over the next round. Sometimes, the best medicine is tough love, and Simon is willing to man up and tell people what they don’t want to (but should) hear. When he’s not crushing dreams, Simon likes to watch a TV show full of people who understand him, who accept him for who he is and aren’t judgmental of his direct, sometimes harsh approach.

Aaron Hotchner – Criminal Minds

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As the unit leader in the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, it’s crucial to stay one step ahead of the world’s sickest minds. Hotchner takes his job seriously, and works ‘round-the-clock to ensure that he brings his A-game to every case. So, when Hotch does get a bit of free time, he spends it doing research.

Viewer Profile: The Sherlock and the Moriarty

Posted on December 22, 2011 by Dabney B

So, who’s up for watching a crime mystery show? There’s Bones, Criminal Minds, NCIS, COPS, CSI (of the Vegas, New York, and Miami varieties), and if you don’t like any of those options, the list goes on and on. We could always go a bit old school and dig up episodes of X-Files, Hawaii Five-O or Murder, She Wrote.

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Frankly, there can never be enough murder mystery shows. As long as there are sick, demented bad guys out there making the world a darker place, there will be a group of justice-seeking heroes hunting them down – and a team of cameramen right behind them.

There’s just something about the murder mystery genre that has captured the attention of audiences the world over. The very fact that it’s an entire genre (up there with comedy and supernatural teen romance) holds testament to the fact that the murder mystery show has its own devoted group of followers who are ready to chomp on some pop corn and chase serial killers. While viewers are drawn to this genre for their love of the hunt and the twisted mind games between the criminals and the people who chase them, every viewer has his own M.O. (that’s Modus operandi, for all of you FBI cadets who have yet to catch your first serial killer.)

The first type is the Moriarty. These are the TV viewers who adore dark, gloomy programming. These are the type of people who love to see blood and guts, murder and mayhem — the more sick and twisted the better! Are you the Moriarty type? Don’t feel guilty if you are. We’ve all got a darker side, the only question is if you’re willing to indulge it.

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Do you have a thing for slasher flicks and psychological thrillers? Did you get chills when Hannibal manipulated the innocent, wide-eyed FBI agent? Did you bite your nails in anticipation when you watched the murderer of Se7en reveal his plan to the detectives? I hate to break it to you, but you just might be a Moriarty.

For you, the great thing about murder shows is that it introduces you to a new lunatic every week. This guy burns people alive because he thinks he’s cleansing them; that guy abducts children and hides them in a cabin; this woman murders her husbands in cold blood and collects a hefty insurance check. You like to explore the depravity of the human mind and learn just how demented your fellow humans can become. It’s like watching a train wreck – you just can’t tear your eyes away.

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It might be weird that we’re so drawn to the bad guy, but it’s the writers’ fault for always making the evil characters so much more interesting than the good guys! So when you find yourself secretly cheering for the murderer, hoping he gets away so that he can kill again, be comforted by the fact that there are other Moriarty viewers out there, just like you, who crave the darker side of TV murder shows.

But every bad guy needs his counterpart, right? The foil to the Moriarty, of course, is the Sherlock. Sherlocks are on the side of the cops, the FBI, and crime scene investigators. Crime shows present Sherlock viewers with intricate puzzles to be solved where lives hang in the balance. Can you figure out the riddle before the nefarious serial killer claims another innocent?

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Sometimes you can, and sometimes you can’t, but you just feel compelled to play the bad guy’s twisted mind game. You can’t help but analyze every little clue, look for patterns in the criminal’s behavior, and examine every crime scene like a true FBI agent.

You might be a Sherlock if you’ve ever calmly stated, “He’s the murderer” in the middle of a program, much to the frustration of those around you. And when your friends and family ask you how you could possibly know the answer, you smile with a sense of accomplishment and explain quite logically how this character must be the killer. And usually, you’re right.

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So, which are you: the Moriarty or the Sherlock? If you watch crime shows, then you’re bound to be one of the two. Do the horrendous and unspeakable crimes of serial killers get your heart pumping? Or do the odd clues left at the crime scene leave you scratching your chin in thought?