Fictional TV Foods We Have a Craving For

30 Rock Cheesy Blasters

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Eating food while watching TV is a common habit for many Americans, so it’s no surprise that TV shows often entice us with mouthwatering morsels to keep us watching. After all, that’s pretty much Food Network’s entire modus operandi in a nutshell.

However, the food you see on Food Network can be recreated at home, whereas food featured in scripted TV shows often exists only in TV land. That doesn’t stop fictional TV food from looking so delicious that we wish we could try a taste.

Fairy Fruits – True Blood

True Blood Sookie with Fairy Fruit

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Sure there was something sinister about these glowing fruits that made those who ate them become addicted and lose track of years of their life. But who could resist eating something that lights up?

Flaming Moe – The Simpsons

The Simpsons Flaming Moe

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The Flaming Moe, which began life as a Flaming Homer, took a kitchen sink approach to mixology. Just combine everything leftover in the bar, mix with some children’s cough syrup, apply fire and serve.

Popplers – Futurama

Futurama Popplers Snack Food

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This bite-sized fast food snack was actually the larva of an intelligent alien race. But considering how addictive Popplers became, we can’t help but want to try them regardless of their shady origin.

The Luther – The Boondocks

The Boondocks The Luther

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When Granddad opened his own soul food restaurant, he created a burger that would put Paula Deen to shame. This monstrosity, which was named for Luther Vandross, contained a pound of meat, grilled onions, bacon and cheese between two donuts.

Cheesy Blasters – 30 Rock

In the world of 30 Rock, Cheesy Blasters is the number one food in America and a nightmare for those on a low-sodium diet. It’s a jack-cheese filled hot dog, wrapped up in a pizza and served by Meat Cat, a cartoon cat on a flying skateboard.

Romulan Ale – Star Trek

Star Trek Kirk Drinks Romulan Ale

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Drinking Romulan Ale is a great way to get really hammered in a short amount of time. This infamous alcoholic drink is the most potent liquor in the Star Trek universe– it can even get a Klingon to loosen up.

Cornballers – Arrested Development

Arrested Development Cornballer

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The Cornballer was a failed kitchen appliance made by the Bluth Company that was discovered to be a safety hazard. We’d love to try these fried balls of corny goodness, we just don’t want to burn our hands making them.

Buzz Beer – The Drew Carey Show

Drew Carey Show Buzz Beer

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Drew and friends were home brewing beer before it was the cool thing to do. Their brew was called Buzz Beer because it combined the two best adult beverages ever invented—coffee and beer.

Krabby Patties – Spongebob Squarepants

Spongebob Squarepants Krabby Patty

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Krabby Patties are the Big Macs of Bikini Bottom and are made from a “secret recipe.” Since there are no cows underwater, we’re betting the patties are made from fish, which means Spongebob is serving his own neighbors to each other.

Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls – South Park

All sexual innuendos aside, this snack food concocted by Chef sounds like it would be the perfect treat. The combination of salty and chocolate is always delicious, which is why we’d be glad to put these in our mouth.

4 More TV Jerkwads

I covered a handful of TV jerks yesterday, but one mere article doesn’t have nearly enough pixelated real estate to capture the full force of the various toolbags out there. So, today, we’re widening the scope and looking into a few more jerks-of-all-trades who might just be worthy of the title “TV’s Jerkiest Jerk.”

Bender – Futurama

It’s hard to judge the jerkiness of a nonhuman. I mean, jerkiness, as well as other emotions, are judged on a human scale. Is a shark a jerk when it eats a seal, or it just being a normal ol’ shark?Who can say if sharks aren’t more moral than people are? It’s not like they keep slaves or rob banks.

While it might seem that those same difficulties also apply to humans, that’s not exactly true. Robots were designed by humans, so they are subject to the same jerkiness principles. Maybe Bender’s morality chip never got installed, but he’s one of the biggest douchebags you’ll ever meet.

Redeeming Factor: He can turn pipe cleaners into coat hangers.

Profanity: 7/10
Rudeness: 6/10
Backstabbingness: 9/10

Overall Jerkometer: B-

Master Shake – Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Master Shake runs into a few of the same moral problems as Bender. He’s not human, so who’s to say that this type of behavior isn’t normal among the shake species?

Nonetheless, it’s probably safe to say that Master Shake’s behavior comes close to violating the universal code of conduct. Telling your supposed friend to do something that will in all probably get him killed goes pretty far into jerk territory. Master Shake might actually be the dominant a-hole of the century if not for the fact that everyone else in the show is similarly insane. The Mooninites are right on his heels, and just about every other character is murderous, delusional, or selfish beyond reason. It’s hard to shine with all of that competition.

Redeeming Factor: Comes in delicious flavors, including vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.

Profanity: 4/10
Rudeness: 9/10
Backstabbingness: 10/10

Overall Jerkometer: A

Archie Bunker – All in the Family

Women are nothing but baby makers who belong in the  kitchen. HA – HA – HA. Puerto Ricans and African Americans are second rate citizens. HAR – HAR – HAR.  Gay men are just guys too pathetic to get women. HA – No, wait. That’s not funny, and I’m not sure that it ever was, even back in the 70s when writers could get away with lines like this.

Redeeming Factor: People like Archie Bunker aren’t on TV anymore. They just run for the presidency, instead.

Profanity: 3/10
Rudeness: 10/10
Backstabbingness: 2/10

Overall Jerkometer: C

Eric Cartman – South Park

Another animated antihero, Cartman gives Bender a run for his money. What he lacks in hardware, he more than  makes up for in vindictive cruelty and concentrated evil. Plus, we’ve got to consider that Cartman’s still in grade school, so he’s got decades to hone his craft. Who else has started at such a young age?

Because Cartman scores high in all categories, and because he has the greatest potential to develop the jerk trade into a flourishing jerkopoly, Cartman is currently holds the record for TV’s biggest jerk.

Redeeming Factor: Because he’s a kid, that makes him sort of cute, I guess?

Profanity: 10/10
Rudeness: 10/10
Backstabbingness: 10/10

Overall Jerkometer: A+

Top 8 Cynical Holiday Specials

Cynical Christmas Specials

The holiday episode of any given TV show is usually filled with sweet sentiments and seasonal cheer—which can become saccharine and stale after too many servings. If you need something bitter to cleanse your palate, consider these cynical holiday specials that put a darker spin on the season. Continue reading

Ten TV Characters That Could Be the Next Iron Chef

Iron Chef Geoffrey ZakarianAfter a grueling competition between the top celebrity chefs on the Food Network, New York chef Geoffrey Zakarian achieved victory and earned the title of the Next Iron Chef. However, if these ten fictional TV chefs were in the competition, then any one of them would have given Zakarian a run for his money.

10. Scotty Wandell – “Brothers and Sisters”

Scotty was willing to endure financial hardships to pursue his dream of opening a restaurant. That determination, which allowed Scotty to achieve his dream, would be an asset in Kitchen Stadium.

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